Mockingbird

mockingbird /ˈmɒkɪŋbəːd/ noun a long-tailed songbird with greyish plumage, found mainly in tropical america and noted for its mimicry of the calls and songs of other birds.

i shut off my phone and blink back a tear. ''it's fine. i'm fine.'' i won't let them get to me. i stare up at the wide white ceiling plain and empty and that's when i notice it. a pencil sketch of a bird trapped in a cage and one word written beneath it.

mockingbird.

mockingbird

a story of love, loss and learning to cope by supernovaswirls137

sprouting wings i grip the ball tightly in my left hand and aim it swooshes through the hoop in a satisfying arc.

"goal!!" kelsie screams from the sidelines. it's bucketing down and my hair is sticking to my face but kelsie's still out there with her red and pink pompoms cheering us on wildly.

i love my girlfriend.

it's five minutes to the end of the match and we're up 6 to 5 the mud is sticking to the back of my skirt and my head is aching from where the ball struck it and my hands are slipping on the ball and i think i probably have a stitch but it's worth every second of pain

and when we finally win and my team lifts me up and cheers my name and kelsie grins at me and i seize the trophy and hold it high above my head it feels like flying

date "you're still going out with me tonight, right?" kelsie asks, dumping her pompoms unceremoniously into her bag.

"like i'd miss it!" we're going out for milkshakes and a movie i've been looking forward to it for weeks now

"well i gotta check!"

"kelsie, you know full well you're the love of my life. well. apart from netball. but other than that…"

"some comfort you are!" she laughs, and blows me a kiss. "see you at seven, sweetheart. enjoy your team meet."

"see you!" i say and dash after my team clutching the trophy tightly.

team we meet up at the old park on the top of avery hill a broken tire swing hangs limply in the distance the whole place looks eerily like it's haunted it's already dark, and it's not even six yet.

we all pile onto a slightly rotten log to discuss the match. lola brings out a packet of marshmallows and we attempt to make a campfire from the soaking wood.

we exchange memories of the old playground how maya used to scream going down the slide how sidra was terrified of the monkey bars how zaira would sit on the trampoline for hours and not move at all

how much i loved the tire swing how i thought it was like flying

and somehow we get to thinking about the tire swing and we go over and inspect its safety lola grabs the robe and examines it closely.

i put one tentative foot on the swing and clutch the rope my team gets ready to push me as i step off the platform

and for a moment i'm flying again i can see the whole town stretched out below me and it's like everything is going in slow motion because suddenly

i'm falling

darkness i'm lying on the floor faces blink down at me my back hurts snatches of speech float down from what seems like miles away "someone call 999-" "concussion-" "is she breathing-" "what if we’ve killed her?"

darkness

an ambulance siren a scratchy blanket a hard board digging into my skin the toxic smell of antiseptic the pain in my back reaching a climax

darkness

more voices louder, more urgent voices a bright light above my head i can't move my legs

darkness

a high pitched beeping noise more lights my headache is screeching a dull pain seeps from my spine i still can't move my legs i wonder distantly if this should scare me

darkness

someone telling me to move my leg i'm screaming "i can't" over and over and over as the tears roll down my cheeks and i feel like i'm two years old again

darkness

more lights are back someone's telling me to relax and giving me instructions for what to do i nod and close my eyes and a light pinprick falls on my arm.

i nod again "i can feel that" i say my voice sounds strangled but the pricks continue until they reach my legs

a long pause "can you feel this?"

i open my eyes a fraction there's a needle scraping the skin of my legs but i can't feel anything

i'm panting now i can tell i'm having a panic attack right here under the bright lights with hostile eyes staring at me

"i can't feel anything!" i shout and i'm crying harder than before and the pain in my back is excruciating and suddenly everything is quiet

darkness.

too young to die the doctor told me that i'm in hospital i had figured that out a while ago but it was nice to have confirmation she also told me i have an spinal cord injury i think i'm feeling a bit calmer about it all now i hope i'm feeling a bit calmer about it all now

i'm lying on a soft mattress there are pillows on either side of my arms it's quiet.

all i can think is that i'm too young to die.

my parents rush into the ward their faces white with terror they've only just been permitted to see me i strain to reach up to them one of the nurses pushes me back down telling me "not to strain myself." she whispers in a low voice to my parents about how recovery will take 12 weeks and then i'll be moved to rehab.

i've heard it all before but it still makes me feel sick.

my parents have brought me my teddy bear. it's been a while since i've seen him.

when they're finally gone the door soon clicks shut and it is quiet

there's a poster on the opposite wall it reads "before your injury, you could do 10000 things. now you can do 9000. so are you going to worry about the 1000 things you can't do or focus on the 9000 things you can?"

in my head i start to make a list of what i can do. it's a very short list.

what i can't do play netball go to the team championships walk around town move in any way at all drink milkshakes kiss my girlfriend be hugged high five my friends kick a ball around email my cousins buy an ice lolly play video games dance eat anything other than what the nurses serve me wear jeans

live my life.

what i can do lie here in my bed and wait

i've been here for a week now. dr reynolds visits me at nine o'clock and four o'clock each day to talk about how things are going. she's always on time striding into the room with her black boots clicking and a black clipboard with a black ballpoint pen.

i've been diagnosed with paraplegia. paralysed legs.

dr tyler comes at noon or at least, she's supposed to come at noon she's always late she's a therapist i'm supposed to talk about my feelings with her

we play "word association" i glare up from my place buried deep within the foam mattress trying to inflict even the slightest part of the pain i'm feeling onto her sickeningly sweet smile

and i know it's unfair and childish but i hate her with everything i am and everything i have

"spine?" ''pain. injury. damage. hurt. broken.'' "back."

"hospital?" ''alone. scared. panic. help. lights.'' "ward."

"healing?" ''freedom. hope. netball. flying.'' "recovery."

she sighs and the door clicks shut.

it's what i wanted but now i have it i'm not so sure.

kelsie finally calls her voice frantic with masked worry she tells me in her normal, light-hearted manner that she's never going to leave me alone with my team again

"i left you with them once and when i come back you're an invalid!" we talk for a while about what's going on at school about the latest gossip

she avoids the topic of legs entirely breaks off in the middle of a sentence about her new trousers when she finally hangs up i can't shake off a feeling of despair

invalid i had a ticket once i bought it at piccadilly line took it to the ticket collecting machines and found a red flashing sign saying "invalid" they gave me a new ticket a refund a replacement

i watched the other ticket fall onto the train track the white paper fluttering gently in the light breeze the tube streaking along and then nothing

"invalid" they call me "invalid" says the foam mattress supporting my spine "invalid" scream the hospital walls "invalid" wail the ambulance sirens

in valid.

mockingbird part i i shut off my phone and blink back a tear. ''it's fine. i'm fine.'' i won't let them get to me. i stare up at the wide white ceiling plain and empty and that's when i notice it. a pencil sketch of a bird trapped in a cage and one word written beneath it.

mockingbird.

mockingbird part ii "who was in this ward before me?" i ask nurse kaizen as he walks through the door he looks surprised "you'd have to ask lucy about that" he says. "why do you want to know?"

"oh, no reason. i was just curious." i do not tell him about the caged mockingbird. some things are better kept as secrets.

alex fae was obsessed with birds, apparently. fae would sit and draw and read about birds all day long. fae hardly spoke to anyone just kept on drawing birds

nurse lucy won’t tell me what happened to faer.

to kill a mockingbird the nurses put on an audiobook to fill in the endless stretching hours, i suppose. it's to kill a mockingbird by harper lee

it's an old book a "classic" the ones librarians like to shove down your throats even when you try to tell them you're just looking for an article on ancient greece

to my surprise, i'm enjoying it it's gripping of course, there's no way for me to put it down but even if i could i wouldn't

i guess maybe this is what they mean by "don't judge a book by its cover." it's not the about the cover at all it's about what you think you see

i dream of mockingbird that night they come alive break their cage and swoop down

they're not quite a bird anymore but not quite human either and as they offer me their hand in a dance i notice that it is covered in feathers

we dance together over the hospital bed up the walls onto the ceiling

we dance together and when i wake up the ward doesn't feel as small

mockingbird part iii mockingbird talks to me they're the wisest person i know they're kind, too my saviour in a strange sort of way in their world a spine injury is not an end it's a beginning

it's funny that a figment of my imagination is the only thing keeping me sane.

i guess i finally have an answer to the word association games.

''spine. hospital. healing.'' mockingbird.

dr tyler i am awakened from my fantasy by two voices.

"oh god lucy i don't know what to do i'm thing i'm losing it my mind my job my sanity my life everything i never see my kids any more i get home at ten each night and catch the train at five in the morning

roger's turning sixteen this autumn ashley's already twelve the hospital needs me but do you know what my son said to me? he said "we need you more"

and he's right, you know the hospital pays me next to nothing the doctors treat me like dirt and the patients don't need me

there's this one girl she just sits back and stare blankly at me and mutters 'mockingbird' over and over and over until she shuts me out completely she hates me

this can't go on lucy i can't do this any more i don't know what to do"

nurse lucy comes in she slams down the tomato and cheese sandwich the plate rocks precariously she comes up to me her face streaked with tears

"well, congratulations." she says in a voice that sounds like venom "you just drove dr tyler out isn't that what you wanted? miranda was the best friend i ever had the only person who treated me like a human in this place this hellscape and now she’s gone and it's your fault god, i hope you’re satisfied"

she marches off tears streaming down her face in a blend of eyeliner and lipstick and anguish.

mockingbird part iv i'm crying too, now

"email her." mockingbird says. "email her."

i blink up at them. "who?" "you know who i mean."

"no, i don’t!" i'm starting to cry now tears of frustration fall freely down my cheeks "i don’t have to listen to you! it's your fault dr tyler quit her job! and and and you're just a dumb figment of my imagination!"

the world around me spins and i catch a glimpse of mockingbird’s face as i am hurled back to the bed they're not angry they're not bitter they just look sad.

and somehow that's the worst thing i can imagine.

i pick up my phone and begin to write. dear dr tyler...

dear dr tyler i heard what you said to nurse lucy i'm not angry in many ways i'm almost glad you showed me a lot about myself about the person i am

i do push people away it's an instinct i have people only hurt me but i guess all i do is hurt people that all i did was hurt people

i'll try hard to start over i'll try to become a better person and i just want you to know that i'm sorry

you're the kindest person i know. thank you for all that you've done

best wishes from the bottom of my heart. hannah.

words the new therapist comes in bringing a bustle of warmth, useless chit-chat and word association

i make up my mind that i will try my hardest with her. for her. for dr tyler.

"spine?" "anguish."

"hospital?" "panic."

"healing?" "hope."

but the words feel flat and the ward feels empty

i check my email every day but there is no reply.

kelsie calls again i almost don't respond but i am glad i did

she's rounded up the whole of my netball team they're all wishing me well they're all cheering my name so maybe i don't need to win a shiny golden trophy. maybe just surviving is enough.

and still i keep refreshing my email. and still i find nothing.

healing dr tyler replies to my email

"dear hannah, i have to say i was surprised to get your email. i wasn't expecting anything of the kind but i'm very glad it came thank you

and hannah keep on persevering don't give up you will get through this time i believe in you

miranda."

the days stretch on slowly but surely through dancing and flying through to kill a mockingbird and swallows and amazons and chantress and hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy and all the other books i've listened to and learned from through phone calls and emails through textbooks and texts through scans and x-rays through limp tomato and cheese sandwiches through quotes on the wall and scrawls on the ceiling

until one day they tell me my spine is healed

until one day they tell me i have to leave mockingbird

until one day they tell me it's the end.

mockingbird part v "mockingbird." i say slowly. "mockingbird."

they turn around. "hannah!" "mockingbird, i have to leave i'm sorry"

the tears slip down my cheeks

"what are you sorry for, hannah? i'm not going anywhere." "but i am."

and i'm leaving more than just the hospital ward i'm moving on i don't need mockingbird anymore. i don't need a figment of my imagination. i can't need a figment of my imagination. and yet at the same time i do

mockingbird nods slowly. "i won't leave until you need me to."

beginnings

the nurses are about to wheel me out. i'm alone in my ward for the last time. i grab a pencil and begin to draw.

my spine is still broken my legs are still paralysed my life has still gone wrong and mockingbird is still in their cage

but outside of the cage there are other birds a robin for kelsie a blackbird for my parents a dove for the nurses a sparrow for dr reynolds a goldfinch for dr tyler tiny feathers floating in the air for everyone who's helped me along the way

people to help people to save them people to save me

as i'm wheeled out of the ward i glance back and see mockingbird smile.

author's note: this story was inspired by so many brilliant people. i want to thank you all for letting me take your stories and create this chaotic thing. as always, ty for reading, and i hope you enjoyed reading hannah's story as much as i enjoyed writing it! ~ riley